XVIII - “Fever”

This fever radiates 

rising up through my pores

like steam off of the street 

I’m lying there motionless but still alive 

don’t know if i have the will to survive 

and this fever, is taking over me 

and this fever, is inside of me 

and this fever, is rising out of me 

and this fever, could be the death of me 

I’m cold now. 

The bumps spread like mountains across the landscape that is me

How long now, will it stay here with me? 

No escaping. 

Got to see it through. 

Ever fearing.

Will I make it through?

You’re the fever 

That’s come all over me

You’re the fever 

I can’t break free

and this fever, is taking over me 

and this fever, is inside of me 

and this fever, is rising out of me 

and this fever, could be the death of me 

Like the hottest fire

Like the brightest flame

Like a heat I can’t sustain 

XVII - "Wearing Thin"

Seemed like a good idea

You were looking so very good at the time

One look couldn't kill

Just one little, one time thrill

Glued to my reason 

Pasted to my logic

But the adhesive is wearing so very thin

When I've got you under my skin

How hot do these fires burn?

How deep are the wells in hell?

I've got to prepare myself...

In case I find myself stumbling right onto you

Glued to my reason 

Pasted to my logic 

But the adhesive is wearing so very thin

When I've got you under my skin

Attach me back

Attach me back

Adhere me to something, to something

that is of the light

Before I spiral down into the black of the night

XVI - "Choking on the Pearls"

The winds of change are hard to stand against

So what good would it do to change anything at all

Would to have liked to have known you in the Spring 

But you were later than a Summer's fling 

What good comes from cracking open the oysters

If we're just going to choke on the pearls

I didn’t come here to choke

What good comes from speaking our minds

When everything here is sacred 

there’s nothing new to be found 

there's nothing we can touch

Our paths crossed too late in the day

It's already time to depart from this trail

The moon is barely visible but the sun is giving way

I wish we'd met up a little earlier 

I would have loved to have hiked this one with you

What good comes from cracking open the oysters

If we're just going to choke on the pearls

I did come here to choke 

What good comes from speaking our minds

When everything here is sacred 

there's nothing new to be found

there’s nothing we can touch

XV - "Anxious"

It's just my anxiety

My mind, in a glitch right now

My body, is trembling down

Box breathe and count to four

I'm ready for more

I need to listen to that sound

Can't you hear the waves of peace

Splash against my skin

Roll into my soul

The current is the only thing too strong for my fear to hold

Fretting over things I can't control

Trying to hold the horizon still

Looking up to the future, beneath the surface of my murky past

I'm looking for the shore but it don't look the same anymore

Are any of these things built to last 

Feels just like a cold canary current

Tilted on the surface and I'm out too far 

Leaves me wishing for a flare and tank of air 

or any air to spare at all 

So I do the only thing I don't know how to do

Lay back, relax, go with flow

XIV - "Nothing Left"

I'm the boat adrift in your raging sea
Storm after storm you bring me down
But it's the only place I know how to be
No search and rescue can save me now

You want to shock me back to life
But I'm already in a flatline 
You're beating on my chest
But baby there's just nothing left

You're trying so hard to restart a broken heart
But you’re the reason, you're the trauma,  you're the blow
You're the undoing of every stitchu I've tried to sew
You're the part of me I must let go
You're the pain I did not want to know

You're the ripping of my thread, straight back through the
 hole
You’re the nick to my vessel, that's now bleeding out of 
control
You're the kink in the line, causing me to run dry 
You're the failing of every system, I needed to be whole
You're the life being severed straight back from my soul

I've tried and I've tried and I've tried
To look past your lies, believe your alibis 
To hold together all my pieces, for a man I use to trust
But you've dissolved the you from us 
The memories of all we were, jaded
Left to fade and rust 

XII - "Painfully Shy"

Cracked my chest and spread it wide open
Pulled out every one of my emotions
Put them on a table for display
Didn't want to go about it this way

I just want to hide
But my face won't cover up my lies
Wish I had a poker face
But all I got is this 'deer staring in the lights' 

You think after 100 times
I'd finally have a clever line
Think I could string together a few words
This is getting absurd

Shy, painfully shy
Every time I get around that guy
I'm so very shy
Usually, I'm a little bit shy 
But with him, painfully shy

Can't hold a pen
Can't hide my grin
Can't sum two and two, might end up with twenty-two
I need to stay away from  you

It's life on a line

Can't function beside that guy

Freeze up, walk away
Without a single word to say
Don't even know the word 'goodbye'

The closer I get to you
The faster these molecules
I can recite anything I've ever read
But I can't remember the last thing I said
When I'm beside you 

Shy, painfully shy
Every time I get around that guy
I'm so very shy
Usually, I'm a little bit shy 
But with him, painfully shy

I'm about out of pride
I'm red like the fourth of July
Hoisting up a white flag
Silent acquiescence of the words I've said
 
Don't ask a question
You know I can't give an answer to
I don't want to look you in the eye and lie
Can't formulate a sound reply

Standing at the edge of a crowded room
Can't be in the center with you

Can't let them see the way

My pupils are fixed on you

You circumvent my mind
Like fog around a mountain top
I can't see my hand in front of my face
Can't see a path to find a good escape

Shy, painfully shy
Every time I get around that guy
I'm so very shy
Usually, I'm a little bit shy 
But with him, painfully shy

Not a single coherent thought
When I'm thinking about you
Never met a stranger 
Until I met you

Wish you'd say hello
Wish you'd make a move
Wish you knew with just the sound of your voice
You put me on cloud nine

I'll sit here with my silence 
Till all these feelings die
No carpe diem 
I'll let it just pass me by

So painfully shy

XI - "Red, Right, Returning"

I know he's the one man who can read me like a book 

And he's the one man, whom I can't read at all

I look in his eyes and this is the one time 

I steady my eyes and summon the courage not to shy away

And I know, he knows, exactly what I'm about to say

There's look in his eyes like a flustered shame

of something he's trying to hide

before I even have the chance to speak

he diverts away his eyes and says,

It's red, right, returning

when your heading back from sea

green on right is a young man's plight

but you know that my dear 

this ship is old

it stays docked at port

it doesn't weather the storm

it trolls the harbor on a blue moon  

but never really creates much wake

the hull is breached 

there's a steady leak

the bilge has all but failed

the hinges' creak, the rudders' weak

it's slowly taking water on

and in time will surely sink

never really know which voyage will be the last

so you keep close to the shore

in case you need to get there fast

and hope there's still a chance

to bail it out by hand

all I can't think to say to lighten the mood

is a crass reply, "like Archimedes' screw"

he asks to sit for a while

the sun casts a solemn hue 

the water's still like glass

and feels like the last

there's not much for me to say

to make him not feel out of place

so I don't say a word

He watches the sun and I watch the lines, 

that have settled in his face

they don't make him weathered

they make him look wise 

and I can see the marks 

were he's tried to pull tight his disguise

And I know, he knows, I know

but I never was one to pry 

it's red, right, when returning to harbor 

we're coming in slow tonight 

X - "More than my share"

All this want for you 
Seems a bit unfair 
I didn't get to choose
I got more than my share

You stand close beside me
I just want to put my head on your chest 
Like a feathered down vest
Probably more warmth than you need 
But I'm not giving up so easily 

I don't have to have you but it's hard to let you go
I don't want to entrap you but your freedom's already been sold 
I'm not trying to deceive you but you've got to have realized by now
Your walking in the back alley of mind

It's dark back there
It's like a one way street 
Autonomic response
There's no reprieve 

You stand close beside me
I just want to put my head on your chest 
Like a feathered down vest
Probably more warmth than you need 
But I'm not giving up so easily 

IX - "Raw"

It's late at night and I can't sleep

So I lay here and I stare

I was never good at falling asleep on my own

Caffeine keeps me up all day 

But the booze isn't enough to take me down

The sex I can substitute

My fingers have learned to weave the blood straight from my heart

Like a backwards survival 

A mental itch beneath the fingernails of my fantasy

But the feeling that I can't re-create is 

My face pressed against your chest

The waves of your breath 

My fingers twisted in your coils

The smell of sheets spoiled 

I've sat with my shock

and shook hands with my sadness

I've white knuckled the truth 

and stood toe-to-toe with my rage

You left me raw like blistered skin

The audacity of your sins

But the feeling that I can't re-create is 

My face pressed against your chest

The waves of your breath 

My fingers twisted in your coils

The smell of sheets spoiled 

Wounds heal slow

We cover them so they won't show

We pick the scabs because we don't like they way they feel

We keep it raw, open, bleeding 

For longer than we should 

VIII - "Fade Out"

Everything fades to nothing 

I'm praying to something 

The blinding light before me

Is it getting closer or is it slipping away 

And I know it's the very last time

I'll ever, ever get to feel this way 

They tell me I should look away

Say it's better that way

"Ten" barely rolls off my tongue 

Here comes the dark numb space

We're just around the bend

Straddling the curve of what could've been

Barely out of the woods 

Tiptoeing on the stick of tiny bones

Coming In and out the fire 

Melting like salvation on a wire    

The tempo in the room, two hundred and two beats per minute

And it spins

And I'd rather they put me back to sleep again

That mythical place where you still exist 

But the tempo of my soul cries closer to seventy-four

And it's A major,

A major blow in the depth of my soul 

Like a bomb exploded 

And hallowed me out 

And physically your gone 

But it's my mind you'll never get out 

We're just around the bend

Straddling the curve of what could've been

Barely out of the woods 

Tiptoeing on the stick of tiny bones

Coming In and out the fire 

Melting like salvation on a wire  

VII - "Contraindicated"

You're an elective medication

Something I want but something I don't need

Giving it up now, would damn near kill me

My tolerance is too high 

Need it just to survive

A little bit of your poison slips under my tongue

One dose won't hold me very long

I'm going to need you to refill, all night long

They never tell you it's going to be like this

It's just one time to take the edge off on a day when it's all coming apart

The second dose is just to get you over the first

And it goes on and on, until you're toast 

Titrate me higher

Don’t' leave me to jones

Did you mean to addict me?

How much more can I take?

Is there an antidote to bind, my lips from your hips?

How much will it cost me?

Will we barter and trade, ounce for ounce?

Will you take me for all I'm worth, until I'm completely spent? 

Will you leave me any dignity left?

How deep is the absorption, as deep as my soul?

I didn't ask for your treatment

But it slipped under my tongue 

And now it's down in my system

Where it shouldn't have gone

But I've got to finish this course

Can you bring me a water?

To help swallow this reality down

Can we dilute it a little?

Can I ever taper down?

Now I'm down on my knees

And I'm drowning in sweat

Is it yours or is it mine?

Am I'm having a delusion?

It's getting difficult to breath

My chemicals flee into charcoal-like pores 

A little bit of your poison slips back under my tongue

I've had too much and still I haven't had enough

It was never indicated for me

VI - "Dirty"

Did you get to know the girl 

beating out her soles

looking for someone who might hold

the pride the stranger stole

would you take her as your own

no expectations, no scorn

just an object to adorn

pouring your warmth to the inside

before it's cooled by the evil that surrounds it

you two could be a pair

soul mates on a ship of despair

heavy hearts and broken beds

her numb shell of a body surrounds you

and you know she'll disembowel you

exposing all you've been fed 

the days grow long when panic is high

same ole routine gets you by

hands that shake and eyes disguised

outward symptoms of a latent lie

full to the brim like the tonic in your glass

you can't describe the mood

when you can't speak back

hot and endless like a Nevada flat

you can't say a word to a man like that 

words on a paper

I've written a few

scars on my body

broken and abused

look on my face

knows your dirty too

V - "Muse"

A pendulum swings
Timed rhythmic motion
Want verses reason
Another change of season

Your hands hold firmly
Your instrument now elevating
Echoing something like but not of love
Sounds you've heard before
comfort you, like muffled hums from the womb
Not as innocent 
But just as sweet

Pushing through to see the light
Almost there, final plight 
passion engulfs you in a fiery explosion
You'll starve the air and heal the wound
But the scars become you 

Accusations follow
Truth, exceedingly hard to swallow
You claim not to remember
But every ounce of muscle begs to forget
When you're lying alone
Running through the motions in your mind

Was it worth it? Yea, maybe.
But are you half the man
Or the better man
Or just a man
A man with a muse
A man so consumed 

Closing the door 
Covering your tracks
Pink fades to white
Emptiness filters back

All alone you strum your chord
Vibrations move
From your right thigh to somewhere
intrinsically deep inside
Hitting every note 
back in the rhythm
You’re a damn slave to that feeling 

III - "Erase"

You saw me, black and white

I saw you, a greyish wonder

You live, by the letter of the law

I live, barely missing the fall

Blinded by desire

all the way to that line

so many things 

time won't rewind

erase the night I went home with you 

erase the things I meant not to do

erase the words that shouldn't have been said

erase the day we should have just walked away

erase the hell I get myself into

Rock bottom you found me

four drinks drown me

three little words surround me

two sheets have wound me

one ring has bound me 

gold wasn't strong enough to hold

impulsive just gets old

erase the night I went home with you 

erase the things I meant not to do

erase the words that shouldn't have been said

erase the day we should have just walked away

erase the hell I'm going through

II - "Don't Pick Me Up"

Don't pick me up

Don't dust me off
Stranded in sheets once sought

In your tee-shirt
And my socks
I cannot move from this spot

Don't pick me up
Don't dust me off
Don't lie to me with "better off"

Abide a while
Alone in the darkness 
Of this empty room
Where love was made
But not made to last

Don't pick me up
Don't dust me off
Don't lie to me with "better off"

I - "False Pretense"

Standing in the school yard
of all the knowledge I've yet to learn
lessons in my desires
still to me...
unknown

I view elegant hues
up against you
green, like my years
yet on you it captivates my stares

Dreaming of a complicated embrace
one that would cause such disgrace
your lips touch my lips
of a lesser grace

Hidden in you
kiss after kiss
searching for wisdom
in a forest untrodden
enchanted by sins
you thought you'd forgotten

Tumbling into a brokenness
too hard to define
unraveling inside
like weathered vine
the tempo of our bodies
pseudo divine

My mind twisted in a lustful existence
given to the wants of fruits forbidden
hanging by a thread of distance
weak and holding little resistance
my secret still hidden
in a false pretense 

IV - "Don't Hurry"

Don't hurry, baby
Baby, don't hurry
It can't end
If it never begins

Don't hurry, baby
Baby, don't hurry
You can live with the fantasy 
Nobody gets hurt in the end

The touch and the tease
Your hand on my knee
Careful, baby
looks like danger to me

The air from the lungs
That cat's on my tongue
I can't look innocent
With scandal on my mind

Don't hurry, baby
Baby, don't hurry
Idolize each other
We'll only screw our minds

Don't hurry, baby 
Baby, don't hurry
Do your best to withstand me
That's all I hope to find

Don't hurry, baby
Baby, don't hurry
We've got to slow it down
Just in time 

Always in time